


'Ben'

by Davechicken



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-10-18 02:40:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10607598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: Names are complicated.





	

“Don’t you _dare_ blame my men for your impulsive behaviour! My men follow orders!”  


“Yes, _your_ dumb orders! You don’t understand the Force–”  


“You’re right, I don’t understand some invisible set of instructions the galaxy is sending you. So detailed, in fact, that you _still_ didn’t manage to–”  


“Because of your useless **men**.”  


“And women.”  


“Fine! Your useless _people_. You were the one who called them men.”

“For the love of… this is not about semantics or gender!”  


“No, evidently not.”  


“I’m sorry, Ben, that–”  


“What did you call me?”  


“…huh?”  


“ **What. Did. You. Call. Me.”**  


“…Ren?”  


Hux stares, because Kylo… has gone suddenly stiff-jointed, under all that black. A sway to his stance, like a serpent reading to strike, but somehow… not dangerous. 

He didn’t call him Ren? His mind runs back, and… “Did… I use the - it?”

‘It’. Forbidden knowledge, a term banned from on high. A self he’d been, but no longer was. Hux didn’t mean to, it must have slipped out unconsciously. He’s thrown Kylo’s heritage in his face before, but he’s never… called him _that_.  


“Don’t.”  


“Kylo, I’m–”  


“ _Don’t_.”  


He’s blamed Kylo’s failings on his upbringing before. Questioned his loyalty, questioned his devotion to the Order. But he has never - not once - used his birth name. Until _now_.

Even masked, the Knight looks like he’s about to vomit, and he sort of… cringes into himself. Hux doesn’t know what to do, because this has never happened before. He can’t handle this. Angry shouting, smashing of inanimate objects, threats to his life… those he’d all found ways to handle, but not… _this_.

“Kylo… it’s just a name. It’s–”  


“…you don’t understand,” the man replies, and turns, wobbling, to leave the room.  


***

When he finally finds him, Hux is surprised. He’s squirreled himself away in an out-of-rotation hangar, somewhere up high. He’s climbed the steps to the top TIE, and stuffed himself in a gap between wing and body, and Hux almost doesn’t see the smudge of black.

Fine.

He straightens his uniform, and makes the climb up to see him. He caused this, so he needs to help.

Ren doesn’t speak, or try to stop him. When Hux finally gets close, he’s looking at his boots, his arms wrapped around his knees. 

“I came to apologise.”  


Kylo shrugs.

“Look… you’re right. I don’t… know why it’s upset you as much as it has. It was a slip of the tongue. I didn’t mean to question your loyalty, but if you won’t tell me why it hurt you so much, how can I help?”  


He’s not wearing his mask. It’s there in his lap, with him huddled around it. His hair is unkempt, and his face looks… ghost-white. Hux settles on the top step, trying to get a solid footing to wait. 

“You wouldn’t– it’s– I–”  


“It’s okay. No one can hear you. It’s just me, Kylo.”  


“It’s… he… he died. _Him_. Except… what if he didn’t?”  


“Can you explain?”  


“No. I mean… he was… he was _there_. And that - that life - was all his. And when the Leader… when I - when I betrayed them, he… sort of… I don’t think he died.”  


Ben. His childhood self. “You’re still the same person. Of course you have his memories. You just…”

“No. No, Ben wouldn’t have done what I did. That’s why I’m not him. But he… sometimes I think he’s still inside of me, and I know he’d hate me. And I worry… what if one day he pushes _me_ down, like I pushed _him_ down? What if I become… what if I can’t control who I am, or what I do? What if someone manages to control _me_ again, and–”  


This is all much more complicated than Hux could ever really unpick. He reaches out a hand, and touches his forearm, wanting to reassure him. “I can’t ever really know what… you’re going through, but… you made that decision. Back then. To do the thing that… _he_ didn’t want.”

“Did I? Or did someone else?”  


“You were a child, but you still had some level of choice. And you exercise it everyday.”   


“…sometimes… sometimes I feel…”  


Hux doesn’t want to hear it, but he must. He perches his rear on the steps, close, but not too close. “You can tell me.”

“You’ll _hate_ me.”  


“I won’t.”  


“You **will**. You hate my family. You hate where I come from.”  


“…I don’t hate _you_.”  


“Maybe you **should**. Maybe you should, because I still feel… I feel the Light. It calls to me, and I worry… what if I go back? What if I don’t fit anywhere? What if I feel I’m wrong wherever I go? What if - one day - _Ben_ comes back?”  


Hux doesn’t understand how ‘Ben’ is actually different, but to Kylo, he is. He also doesn’t know how he’d handle it if Kylo went back on everything they’d done. If he left… Hux couldn’t go with him. And what then? Would they need to kill one another?

“I don’t hate you. I don’t like the thought of you leaving… but… it has to be what you want. If I forced you to stay, I’d be no better than anyone else forcing you to do things. I would _hate_ you to go, but I… don’t think I’d be happy being around you if you truly wanted to go.”  


“I don’t know. I… he’s… it’s still in me.”   


“His memories… and his… wants?”  


Kylo nods, and burrows deeper into himself. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Neither do I,” Hux admits. “But… if… if it helps to talk to me… I can try to listen. I won’t say I’ll understand, and I am _not_ perfect, but… I will try to help. Both of you.”  


Kylo huddles, and then looks up. “Can we go home?”

“Yes. Let’s.” He holds his hand out, and waits for Kylo to take it. He hopes he doesn’t help the man leave him, but… he knows he cares too much to force him to stay.  


Ben will hate him. He’s sure of that. If Ben is still in there, he _has_ to hate him. Hux isn’t quite sure he feels the same about ‘him’, though. It’s going to be… interesting.


End file.
